Hey y'all! I promise I have not fell off the face of the earth! I have just been extremely exhausted everyday and take about a four hour nap during my blogging time. However, I am here and alive! On facebook today I had a post come up about my story of losing my first baby. Looking now to how blessed I am to have the opportunity of being a momma again, I wanted to share where I stood just 6 weeks after losing my baby. And to give hope, encouragement, raise some awareness!
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"Please take your time to read all the way... although it may be long.
To the mother of a perfect Angel, and to the person who wouldn't understand;
Its October !!! Oh fall. The colors, cold weather comes in, Halloween movies, candy, pumpkin, all the good stuff. But not only is October just another month or only Breast Cancer Awareness; but it is also Miscarriage and Infant loss awareness month.
To support such a month is soooo different then actually being the one that is needing the support of it. Cancer or a loss of a child. No one will ever understand exactly how it feels unless they are the ones going through it. But let me try to give you an insight into my shoes on this situation.
6 and a half weeks ago I lost something in me that I will never truly get back, my life changed, I was left with a permanent empty feeling, i was left hopeless, empty, and afraid. I was left with sooo many questions on why, what if, why me, and why God.....6 and a half weeks ago I lost my child. Many people say it is not a living human, its nothing, get over it, and miscarriages are common. They happen all the time and so often. Well from experience I will tell you; i considered what was inside of me growing, LIFE. It wasn't just nothing, it was my EVERYTHING. I will not ever get over it. And please when telling someone that "it's common", It might be common to Doctors and research, but ITS NOT COMMON FOR ME!!
After weeks of "knowing" I was pregnant and still getting negative test, we waited. Then one day (08/03/14) going to the store something told me, "take another test". So when i got home i went to the bathroom while Raul was outside with Cash training him. After taking the test, knowing it would be -, I took my time on leaning over to look at the results. With the feeling of Discouragement of what i though would be a negative; changed fast and my heart began to race... it was positive. I paced around the house, trying to get myself together before telling Raul. Going outside, sitting on the ground like a dummy, it slipped. I told Raul we were pregnant. His face light up, he came to me, hugged me and kissed me with the biggest smile on his face. We were going to start a family. I then went to the family doctor the next day which confirmed my pregnancy at 6 weeks. I then made an OBGYN appointment, earliest we could get in was a week from then (08/11/14). Till then we talked to our baby, we started thinking on names, nursery decorations, talk about birth plan, started stocking up on diapers, we were doing it all. Then the morning on the 11th came. I got up on the table after talking to the doctor and began the test. Not letting me see what she saw, she asked me was I for sure 6 weeks? I said well i am suppose to be 7w1d.... But my cycles are irregular. She then proceeded to tell me to get blood taken to see if I really am this early or I am about to miscarry.. Leaving with disappointment, we went to the ER for another opinion. Only to come out with its a miscarriage, but come back in another two days for more blood to monitor my levels. Holding onto hope that our baby was ok, just growing slow or i was really behind. We went back for a week straight. more and more test. constantly being told its not a "real" pregnancy. its an tubal pregnancy. Going through more test, trying to be given shots and pills to "pass" my child. I REFUSED. If it was Gods plan on me to lose this baby, i would. So that night of the 17th; i prayed. I asked God to please not let my family and our baby suffer anymore, that if it was his plan to take my baby, then to do it now; do not let this go on anyone, that i couldn't take it anymore. It was then, that next day I lost my baby around 6. My world had stopped. I cried... i screamed.. I held on to my husband so weak... that I was falling to my knees. I had then, lost a part of me.
So you tell me, my pregnancy was not real. Its not a living life, when it took life away from me with it. No i did not get to see my baby, because it was already gone before I got to. No I didn't get to find out if it was a boy or girl even though in my heart i KNOW it was a girl. You tell me this is a common thing? Then why do i struggle day in and day out to cope. I can tell you how old my baby would be today and what I would be doing for her. And if its so common, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A REASON.
Anyone that has lost a CHILD! knows and understands where I stand. And until then; you will never be able to. However that is when this month of October shows the awareness of a loss of a child. Its a month not to mourn over the loss but as every day and every holiday; you celebrate the life your baby had/has. You woman and men are mothers and fathers. And you always will be. Regardless of the Children you hold in your arms or your heart. This is a blessing no one on this earth can take away. Only God can call sooner. That only happens to the babies who are too perfect for this world. They instead of being here on earth with us it watch over us from above. They help guide us. They give us comfort and strength. They kiss our cheeks at night as we sleep and wipe away our tears when down. Our child lives. They always do. So celebrate this month of October as happiness with the time we had with our children. REJOICE.
Because it is all going to be OK. Your baby says so. "
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