A year of mourning, hope and happiness. [BabyZ]

I have thought for weeks to write on this subject. Really on what do I say... and well like any other post, I just have to speak from the heart. Say what it is that I truly feel. This month on facebook I started getting the 'Look back on memories a year ago today', seeing these brought back tons of emotions, dreams, and thoughts. It was a year ago today [August 18th, 2014] that I lost my child. Really is a hard thought to swallow... [If you have not read about my miscarriage story, you can do so here. I wont be going into detail over it all again.] During the journey of my pregnancy, miscarriage and recovery I ended up helping others who have went through the process too. Not by what I have said to them [some I had no clue had encountered the same thing] but by how I handled the loss of my child instead. If you knew me and followed me this time last year, you more likely seen the process and probably even sent words of encouragement, prayer and love. And if you did, thank you so much! Being a year later now, I

have not posted much about the loss of my child. I post pictures and words every now and then but have not over the whole year on the process. I am going to now though. I want to share what it has been like a full year after.

First the 'flashbacks' from facebook I was talking about;



 

 

 

These were the days leading up to my miscarriage and the following days. Before, during and after I had a positive outlook on my situation. Mine and Raul's baby was not a mistake, we had prayed for it. We wanted it. The moment I seen the two lines, we were excited and thankful. During the process of approaching my miscarriage we were thankful and after? we were thankful. We still are to this day also.

 

I am not saying we did not cry. Oh because we did. I still do to this day. I am also not going to say it stayed the way it was. Not for me anyways. During this year, I hit a lot of bumps emotionally. I screamed, I questioned my faith with God for a day or two, I cried, I swore I just was not meant to be a mother, I questioned if I was good enough. I went through a depression and I even started to build hatred for those who could have babies. I did that.. I did all of it.

 

Which I often thought, 'maybe I feel this way at times and have these out lashes is because maybe just maybe, I did not cope with it when It first happened?' I mean I cried, prayed, questioned when I lost my baby, however I never felt the anger part until a few weeks ago.

Many had said this was normal. My year mark is coming up, it is okay to feel this way. But for me? If this was coping, I hated it! I had felt guilty with the feelings I had and the words I was saying. I even told Raul this. So I countied to try and remember the prayer I prayed the moment before I miscarried, 'Lord, if this is not suppose to be. If I am suppose to lose this baby... Please take it. Do not let me or this baby suffer anymore. Just please Lord. Do what needs to be done.' Gosh those were the hardest words I had to say but losing my baby after that prayer reminded me, God was and is in control.. He has a plan for me. He has a reason for it all.

 

Although I constantly still wonder my reason for my miscarriage and I will never truly know fully till I die. I do know my marriage grew stronger, I grew stronger and my faith grew stronger. My miscarriage did not make me shy away from my baby. I celebrated baby Z's birthday on April 1st, 2015. I had gotten flowers from loved ones and cards. I got text messages and phone calls. I bought baby Z a bear and I let balloons go. I celebrated the life of my child as if he/she was here. I think every holiday how old Z would be. I think of gifts I would be giving. I still pass by baby clothes and toys while smiling, picturing my baby in them. I look at other babies and smile, thinking that is how big or small Z would be.

 

A year later, I think about my baby. I talk to my baby. I celebrate my baby. I talk about Z to others also. My child is not a mystery and not just a memory. My child lives within me and I cherish that. And although this day would be one of mourning for many, I celebrate it. I had the privilege to become a mom and be a momma to that baby. I loved that baby its whole short life and I gave Z over to God when he was ready. I know I will see my baby again and I know I am making baby Z proud. So I celebrate. A year later and I still celebrate!

 

 

 

-But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me. -2 Timothy 4:17

 

-I will not cause pain without something new to be born, says the Lord. -Isaiah 66:9

 

-I have heard your prayer and seen your tears, I will heal you. -2 King 20:5